watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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