I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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