this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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