after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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