My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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