Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
