You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have aggressive nipples.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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