she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have aggressive nipples.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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