Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
