Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
