I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
