My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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