youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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