drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
