i wish my penis had a tongue
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
