He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
