I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i came on her dog
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
