9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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