checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
