Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
