remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
