God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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