Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
