Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
