I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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