Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
