"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
