I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
