I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
