mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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