remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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