I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
