My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm always down for nudity.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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