I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
