Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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