Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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