Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
