Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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