will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
