I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
