dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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