Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
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I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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