Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Never underestimate the power of titties
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