Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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