I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
