Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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