What did we do last night that was yellow?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
