I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
