I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
