Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
