I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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