I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
