I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
