She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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