But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
