I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
