I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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