sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
