I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
